Introduction

Here is Wenzheng, a normal Chinese student now studying in Karlsruhe, Germany since October 2018.

Karlsruher Schloss in Karlsruhe, Germany

From the start, I create this website, because of some reasons.

I always have some thoughts in mind, which are not systematic and then easily sneak away, but I think some of them are worthy to deepen and record. Of course, I need somewhere to place them.

In the past, my time was always spent on “other things” but myself. Or in other words, since I decided to learn something so called “grounding gas” three years ago, I started to live like a normal girl (because I was always considered as a nerd since childhood) to fit surroundings: play mobile games, be a couch potato, pursue delicate dim-sums, learn make-ups, try to follow the topics that people would focus on, and focus on observation of thoughts that normal people would have, which I used to ignore or even cannot notice. I even tryed to release my emotional side in daily life, and sometimes allow it to lead my life, which was unimaginable for me five years ago.

Because of all these changes I took in my life, I did become a more accessible and empathetic person, who is easier to fit into surroundings and had less embarrassing moments than before. I felt easier to be happy with such lifestyle.

In the meanwhile, I stopped to talk about the things that would bore others, even though those topics are the ones that I am really interested in. I learn to stop complaining or criticizing, instead I try listening to more voices outside and try to understand them, even though sometimes I cannot agree with them, I learned not to argue over it. My process of reading was also somehow stalled these years, which means the books I read per year now might not reach half of quantity in the past. Probably because of busy college life, or lack of motivation, but most importantly, I guess it is also related to my own situation. I didn’t have to deliver my output to others after I left debate team, which happened to be also three years ago. As a result, I somehow lose my pressure source and also the motivation to learn more through reading. After all, when your time is occupied with stressful stuffs, once you got sometime for relaxation, you will naturally prefer the more accessible “low-level fun”.

Because of all these changes I took in my life, I gradually allow myself to settle with current life, which is not a 100% bad thing. Ironically, before that, my friend described me as a “footless bird”, who keeps flying throughout life since born, and could only takes rest in wind, until the final landing day of life. I don’t remember why she said so at that time, I assume there were some reasonable points.

However, I found myself became less patient with serious topics, because I don’t care things “far away from current life” that much since then. I didn’t reflect myself that often anymore, or not on the sides I used to care about. For some parts it could be called developed growth, but mostly this is falling back.

Honestly, I was unaware of these for a long time, because such positive and negative changes are gradually processing through these years. Until I experienced a panic attack in November 2019.

I am not going to describe my experience of that panic attack. I just don’t want to experience another ever again. The reasons behind it were complex, but I finally have to take reflections on myself throughout my life.

This panic attack, interestingly, provided me with a new perspective afterwards:

If I really died at that time, what does it mean for me, for everything happening afterwards?
If it is a second life for me, what kind of differences should I make in my life?

Based on that, I did make lots of changes in my life for the last few months, some are significant ones. I started to reorganise my life in my own way.

This time, I don’t really care what I SHOULD do, but what I WANT to do.

I want to try out something different, no matter it is new or old.
I want to figure out those WHATs and WHYs that I struggled.
I want to learn taking good care of myself.
I want to release the actual ME instead of the person that people want to see.
I want to get back to the right track for me.

And I don’t want to make compromises with the struggles any more.

Therefore, I need somewhere to sort out my thoughts in mind in life.
Writing might be a good exit.

As social media nowadays is not a pure place to share thoughts but a platform for people to judge or be judged, I’d rather place my inspirations here.

I don’t really have clear concepts about what I am going to write in this website, and we will see.

As for the possible readers ……?
I don’t know.
Who knows? 🙂

Emmmm…….
All the best for you?

Wenzheng